Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
