There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
