I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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