I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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