Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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