I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
