Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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