Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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