my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
