I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
