i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
