i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
