And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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