There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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