So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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