when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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