I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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