You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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