I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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