Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
