It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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