Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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