and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
