i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize