That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
