bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
