I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
