I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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