Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
