I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
