I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
