I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
