There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
