She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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