you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize