I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
