we made out on top of his cat.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
