Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
