this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
