In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
