I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
