I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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