That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
