she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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