Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
