I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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