The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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