I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
