did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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