I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
