I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
