On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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