I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
