His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
