Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
