well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We left the knife in your bed.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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