what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
