dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
