at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
